Saying Goodbye is Never Easy

I have never been good at saying goodbye to anyone or anything for that matter. I know that it is part of life and part of change is saying goodbye. My sadness or dread of saying goodbye may stem from my parents getting divorced when I was 2. I lived with my mom and would visit my dad on school vacations and over the summer - I can remember saying goodbye to him at the end of my visits with uncontrollable tears and sadness. Two and a half years ago when I said goodbye to my ex boyfriend of almost 5 years I thought that my heart would stop and that I would never stop crying - I eventually did and I think that my heart is actually stronger because of it. Why would I bring up saying goodbye and such sadness on this first day of 2010? Well because with a new year beginning we say goodbye to the previous year and some of the things that made it what it was.

Last Tuesday I had to say goodbye to my beloved Weight Watchers members. I had been their leader for about four months and the decision to give it up was a very difficult one. Working for Weight Watchers had been my dream since I know without a doubt that without a great leader I never would have gotten to goal or even stayed when I hit my first plateau. I wanted to be that person...the one who people come to the meeting to see and be inspired by. Last January I was given that opportunity and what an honor it was. I know that I have talked about how I was never really the one picked for sports etc being that I could not even run a lap around the track and truthfully it never really mattered to me, but that Kelly, my WW boss, picked me.

When I made the decision to take on this role my life was a little bit different from where it is now and where is it going over the next 8 months. I had just started to get into triathlon and I was kind of half assing the training thinking that I could be all things to all people. I was part of the Rye Y Tri club and taking the classes two nights a week but that was about as far as it went. I was missing key workouts and then I had a brief relationship with someone which became my focus. I was kind of forgetting what was important to ME and what I needed to be happy. I was also leading a fantastic meeting in Ossining on Saturday mornings when people were meeting to run, swim or even bike. It was becoming more and more difficult to make it to that meeting while dating and training so when the chance to move to a closer meeting during the week was offered I snapped it up.

When I said goodbye to the Ossining meeting my members were shocked and quite upset. I felt selfish and as if I was letting people down which I hate doing. They hugged me and thanked me for supporting them and inspiring them to stay on their weight loss journeys. There really is something to be said for the theory of "if you can do it then so can I". I walked away knowing that I was leaving them in the very capable hands of another leader who is fantastic so I knew that they would be taken care of. That gave me a lot of peace of mind. You'd think that once my Saturdays were free that I would have focused on the tri season that I had ahead of me...yeah not so much. I was still wrapped up with my ex, the one I dated for a short time but who had a lasting role in my life...HAD being the key word. Once I was able to separate myself from him I realized that I only had a few races left and I wanted to rock both of them so I refocused on ME once again.

That brings me to making the decision to leave my Tuesday night meeting. I knew that for the 2010 triathlon season that I wanted to push myself to do bigger and more challenging races - mission accomplished -I have 2 sprints, 2 Olympic distance and 2 half Iron distance. When I decided on the half Iron I knew that the amount of time I would have to devote to training was going to be huge and by huge I mean some weeks I will be training for 15 hours...YES on top of working a full time job AND trying to have a social life. The stress that I was feeling about juggling those three things was big enough but adding in trying to devote time to my meeting was just about pushing me over the edge. I had to come to terms with the reality and that is that I had to give something up which was not going to be my job at DIRECTV and it was not going to be my training or social life so that left one thing...you can probably guess what that is. I struggled with this decision as the guilt of letting yet another meeting of members down tore my heart out but I had to be true to myself. Towards the end of 2009 I realized that it's OK to put myself first no matter how scary or selfish it seems to be.

Once the decision was made I needed to give Weight Watchers my notice so that they could find someone to take over. I had decided that I would stay through the holidays since I know first hand what a challenge they can be and it would not be fair to leave them during these trying times. Two weeks ago I had to tell my members that I was leaving and I can tell you that they were not happy. A lot of them had started with me and some of them had told me that although Tuesday is not a good night for them to come to a meeting they come because they like me....this information made my telling them even harder. When they showed up this week they "pretended" to be mad at me although I am pretty sure that some of it was not an act and that they may feel that I have let them down, although I know that I made the right decision I felt in some way that I was letting them down too. At the end of the meeting they hugged me and said that they will miss me very much but that they truly understand that mentally and physically I need to give up this meeting. I gave them my email address and told them that I was only an email away and that I was always available to offer support. Knowing that I had really made a difference in their lives is something that I was able to take away with me.

When the last members had said their goodbyes and I was left alone in the meeting room I was able to breath...I knew that I had done the right thing for these amazing people who deserve nothing but the best and full attention of their leader. I knew that I had done something to take care of myself and admitting that I could not do everything was OK. I have learned that saying goodbye to things that you love is not the end of the world whether it be a job, friends, a serious relationship that you had or even Weight Watchers members because sometimes you need to say goodbye to make room to welcome things into your life. That being said I am welcoming 2010 and all of the challenges, good and bad, that it brings. Happy New Year may 2010 be filled with love, joy and happiness.